fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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