i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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