just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
