i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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