I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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