My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
