I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
