i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
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