i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Randomize
