I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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