the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
