my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
