When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
