Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
