Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
