Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
