for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
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The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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