people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Found your dick twin last night
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
