There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
time to smoke my breakfast
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
