Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
