okay pat passed out under dana's car
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize