dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
