We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
