I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
