I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
