If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
