also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
