One girl and one boy is just not enough.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
