dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
