I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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