i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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