im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
