Need sex. Gaining weight.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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