bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
