Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
