It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
