ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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