We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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