He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
