Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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