I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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