i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
