DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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