Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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