i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
