that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
