4 words: hood of his car
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
