Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
