You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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