Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
