An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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