its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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