I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
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You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
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I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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