Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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