I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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