I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Can you bring me the toilet please
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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